I
Joined a Club…
that
I never wanted to join. I now belong to the “Dead Dad Club”, reserved for those
of us whose fathers are taken from us, weather we were ready or not. This non-exclusive
club has no rules or dues, but rather a silent knowing that we have no idea
what the other person is going through, but we have a better understand than
those who have yet to lose a parent. Because while we have all lost one of the
most important men in our life, everyone grieves differently and in their own
way.
After
losing a parent daily conversations change, the way loved ones and friends look
at you with a sympathy and an attempt to understand. Merely saying “I’m fine”
gets called into question almost every time:
“are you really fine?”
“yes”
However,
this part might be the most frustrating. Frustrating because I have already
said I’m fine please don’t ask again. The fine is, for me, one of two things.
“yes, I really am fine, at this moment”
Or
“no I’m not fine, but you are either the wrong person/
place for me to have the overwhelming break down I am bordering on, and I just
simply want to get through my work day/dinner/movie ect.”
Being
a part of this club also means people who barley know you simply want to hug
you so tight that you can hardly breath, 100lb women have me gasping for air
once I’ve been released. For they either understand or want you to know they
are trying to understand. People hold your hand for a long time or put their
hand on your shoulder. This part is not for those who don’t like to be touched,
because everyone wants to give you physical comfort. Men and Women much older
and wiser than I have looked at me like I was a lost little girl, with tears on
the brink of rolling down their cheeks. They want to help, they want to fix it
but they know this pain is not easily removed.
What
also comes with membership to this club is others walking around you on
eggshells. Losing my father so close to the holidays has made this, what I
imagine, much worse. People who would normally tell me about their family
plans, or what they are getting their parents or what they hope their parents
are getting them. Simply don’t talk about these things in front of me. Or worse
when family plans are being discussed people then look to me like they are
about to apologize, like they have just called me out of my name and must
immediately repent. And to those who are
brave enough to ask:
“how are you doing the holidays this year?”
“we are making it
special, just as we do every year.”
One
of this most unfortunate parts about this club is when people say “I know
exactly how you feel I lost my ______” (insert anything other than a father
here). This often comes from 1 of 2 types of people, the first being someone
truly being symphttic who is trying to let you know that you are not alone.
However I don’t believe anyone will know “Exactly” how I feel, because no one
will know the relationship I had with my father or every single emotion I have
experienced since his passing. However accepting their often kind words is all
one can do and move on. The 2nd type of person who says this is
people who I never knew existed until now but they seem to always be in a
preverbal pissing match with someone who is going through a hard time. They
want to tell you everything they went through and how close they were to their
grandmother/father, cousin, aunt, whomever. These are the same people who in
High School didn’t want anyone to know they were rich, because it was cooler to
be middle class or poor. These are the worst kind of people you encounter
because often times it’s hard to make them go away.
Overall
these last 4 weeks have taught me I am stronger than I thought, braver than I
seem, and although I may break I can be put back together again. In my moments
of most weakness I know Daddy is their holding my hand to help me get by a
little easier each day. And although I never wanted to join this club, now that
I have my life is forever changed the path I am on my be different than before,
but I do know that I am not alone and that pain and suffering are only
temporary. And love is the most important emotion of them all.
